One of the great advantages of being a dog columnist is that there are lots of dogs out there willing to help me out.
Many of my four-legged friends are fans – I think frequent commenter G. Shepard has the hots for me – and a few are terrific sources.
Very Important people have dogs, or have ex-beauty queen turned TV news reporter girlfriends with dogs. (I try to get Lu Parker and the adorable Monkey in every post.)
And I’m not saying Monkey’s my source, although there is some concern in Getty House about Antonio messing around this week with Susan Lucci in Wednesday’s episode of “All My Children,” but I have come into possession of a portion of the script that wasn’t used.
As everyone knows, Lucci, who’s been on the show longer than Antonio’s been alive, plays Erika Kane.
Antonio and Jay Carson, his chief deputy mayor and former HIllary Clinton presidential campaign spokesman, enter Confusion, a new club in Pine Valley. Erika Kane, the club’s aging, but still beautiful owner, is talking to a group on the other side of the crowded room.
Antonio: Give me a breath strip.
Carson: What flavor?
Antonio: What did Clinton like?
Carson: He liked red.
Antonio: I’ll have red then.
Carson mutters to himself as he rummages through his expensive leather shoulder bag, finds the cinnamon breath strips and hands them to the mayor.
Antonio: (Looking around) Remind me why we’re here?
Carson: We’re here because we’re stuck in freaking Pine Valley for a National Conference of Mayors meeting and this is the only place in town with decent wine. (Under his breath) At least Clinton went to decent cities.
Antonio: I heard that! Listen, you don’t work for him anymore. You work for me now.
Carson: I know. But if Hillary hadn’t screwed up Iowa, I’d be in the White House with The Man!
Antonio: He wasn’t running.
Carson: That’s how much you know, Tony.
Antonio: I’ve told you a hundred times … don’t call me Tony!
Erika Kane notices Antonio and Carson, excuses herself from her guests and walks across the room to greet them. She extends her hand to Carson.
Erika: (Enthusiastically) Hello, mayor! I’m Erika Kane. Welcome to Confusion.
Carson: Uhh, hello, Miss Kane, but I’m not the mayor. (Looking at Antonio) This is Mayor Villaraigosa.
Erika: Oh, I’m sorry. (Shaking Antonio’s hand) Hello, Mayor Villa-rah-ag-ro-rossa. Welcome to Confusion!
Antonio: I’m not confused. Who said I was confused?
Erika: No, mayor. The club. It’s called Confusion. I’m so glad you could join us.
Antonio: Can I see a wine list?
Carson: (Again, under his breath) Jesus, what have I done?
Erika: What did you say?
Carson: (Surprised she heard him) Uh, can I get a steak well done?
Erika: Of course. Let me get a waiter. I’ll be right back.
Erika leaves the men and walks toward the bar.
Antonio: How old you figure she is?
Carson: I don’t know. Maybe 60. She’s had a lot of work.
Antonio: Tall, too.
Carson: (Rolling his eyes) I guess it’s all relative.
Antonio: Think she’ll comp the wine?
Carson: Who knows? If not, we’ll just tell Kaufman it was a
Antonio: I’m not paying. I’m dealing with an expensive divorce
Carson: I heard.
Antonio: Clinton ever think about getting divorced?
Carson: Certainly not before the last election.
Antonio: He’s a wild guy. We used to spend a lot of time at
Carson: I know. He told me. You really make it from the roof
into the pool?
Antonio: God, we had fun. I loved being a consultant.
Carson: No city budgets to worry about.
Antonio: Think they’ve got a good red?