A pop quiz: Which job is safer? A member of a Marine bomb squad in Iraq and Afghanistan (“The Hurt Locker” is Bruno’s Oscar pick for best picture, by the way), or general manager of LA’s Department of Animal Services?
Watching the movie can be nerve rattling. Watching someone try to run Animal Services can be quite entertaining.
Talk about a no-win job. But if you’re interested, it’s open and the only specified qualification is having a driver’s licensei’ although I’d say a permit to carry a concealed weapon is also essential
“Francis of Assisi would have trouble in this town,” Bill Dyer, a veteran animal welfare advocate told the Dog Trainer (this is too easy), invoking the patron saint of animals (he’s my favorite) more than once when speaking of the general manager’s job.
As a one-time homeless dog, I don’t pretend to be objective on this subject. Well, OK, I don’t pretend to be objective on any subject. But this one involves what’s called a “no-kill” policy!
The Dog Trainer says “the successful candidate must be compassionate but business-minded, able to inspire the army of staffers who care for the city’s abandoned animals and lost pets; to survive interrogation by the L.A. City Council; and to appease the legions of devoted volunteers, rescuers and advocates in the city’s humane community.”
Add masochistic to the list.
The last guy, who quit last June, was raked over the coals by just about everybody and nearly lynched by his employees. The GM before him – who lasted just 13 months – had the lobby of his building smoke-bombed by animal activists.
Wondering where to apply yet? Here’s what the Trainer says you’ll face:
“The city hired a search firm, sent an e-mail survey to 450 so-called stakeholders in the animal welfare system and set up a focus group. In what one source called ‘a brainstorming session,’ the mayor met with a small group of animal welfare experts — including ‘dog whisperer’ Cesar Millan and Francis Battista, one of the founders of Best Friends Animal Society, a national animal-protection nonprofit that runs its own sanctuary.”
Cesar? That’s my favorite show, after “American Idol”
Antonio makes the final decision, of course. And I’ll bet you a steak bone that his current girlfriend, beauty queen turned TV reporter Lu Parker, might get involved. After all, her pooch, the adorable Monkey, was recently photographed romping in the mayor’s backyard.
I guess I don’t have to tell you how I feel about “no kill.” After all, if Ron’s wife, Saint Deborah, didn’t take me in after finding me in their shrubs, I probably would have ended in my own version of “Dead Dog Walking.” Given my appearance, I doubt anybody not in a street gang would have considered making me the family pet.
But for this to work – and for the next GM to last more than a year with his life – it’s essential you guys help dogs like me practice birth control. And don’t count my kind to practice any of your tricky human maneuvers. “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll know when … “
Get us fixed now! It’s cheap or free and, take it from me, it only hurts for a minute or two.
If for no other reason, do it for the mayor. He’s got his hands full with the city’s financial crisis.
Thought I was going to make a smart-ass remark about his sex life, didn’t you?