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Lights. Camera. Action. Bullshit!

No sooner have our city employees cleared the champagne glasses at Getty House from Antonio's pre-Oscar party last week, or read of his recent lobbying exploits in far-away Washington (I guess they turned off his phone), then we learn this morning that he's clamping down on spending -- by everyone else.

"Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa sent a letter to city departments Wednesday demanding a freeze on much of their spending, from the purchase of new furniture to the use of food and beverages at city events," the Dog Trainer reported.

That sound you hear is every dog in the neighborhood howling with laughter.

We're living in a comedy that would probably earn an Oscar -- if it weren't so tragic.

The Trainer's reporter David Zahniser, as always, has at least some of the story:

"With the city facing a $484-million shortfall in the fiscal year that starts July 1, Villaraigosa also instructed several departments to halt negotiations for leased office space and barred any efforts to remodel city offices."

DZ, as he is known around City Hall, which is the opposite of ZD, which is short for my pal Zuma Dogg  added the memo does not apply to several city departments, including the Department of Water and Power, the Port of Los Angeles, Los Angeles World Airports and two agencies that oversee pension funds for retired and civilian city workers.

I guess those guys, who have huge fat-filled budgets, can buy food and beverages, purchase furniture, rent space and, well, party, as Prince (a popular dog name) sung, "like it's 1999," which really was a good year.

Problem is it ain't 1999, which is probably when Dick Riordan should have started working on this budget mess.

Woof! 

I'm writing this post from my doghouse in Ron's backyard but I'm not actually in my doghouse. I'm in the kitchen hoping he drops part of his breakfast on the floor as usual so I can get something to eat without lying next to the damn Pavlovian MannersMinder machine that's supposed to change my personality by dribbling out two  kibble bits at a time.

Yeah, right. Good luck. Guys beat me with sticks when I was a pup and couldn't break me. They dumped me on the streets and I survived. I am Bruno, LA's Watchdog, nipping at the heels of all those abusers of pets and even people.

I've wished sometimes I could be in two places at once to clean up the mess out there ever faster.

That's why I got so inspired this morning and decided to prowl the backyard and push the automatic writing button on the computer..

The Dog Trainer's David Zahniser's and Maeve Reston's showed me the light with their exhaustive investigative piece revealing how our City Council members actually vote while eating  sandwiches in the back rooms behind the council chambers and cutting deals with lobbyists who get free parking and free access as if they were Council members too, which they might as well be.

You think fleas are bad?

It seems their presence isn't even needed in the Council Chamber when votes are taken. They just push a button and the computer automatically votes yes for hungry council members, or those who want to meet with lobbyists and, as the Dog Trainer points out, the members of the mayor's staff for some mysterious reason.

"The city clerk's office, which maintains the council's official record, does not track how often members leave the council floor while still being counted as present," our own Woodward and Bernstein wrote. "Times reporters (Dave and Maeve, it rhymes) monitored the back rooms repeatedly from August to February, however, and found that at least half of the council used them for private sessions during public meetings."

Seven months???

Geez, the city's finances are going down the toilet (where voting members often are hanging out) and the Dog Trainer is firing half its reporters but Dave & Maeve - I really do love that! - are sneaking around to catch Dennis Zine eating a salami sandwich with lobbyist Ben Reznik or spot somebody grabbing a smoke.

Any minute now I expect them in Ron's backyard sneaking a peek on what he's up to. I can't wait, it would be more fun than biting the poolman. .

Every good story deserves a follow-up.

Woof!

Bruno couldn't make it to the Getty House for the mayor's premature Oscar party, too busy chomping down on the dribbles of kibbles dispensed from the new damn MannersMinder machine. At least that's my story, not getting an invite might also have had something to do with it.

But other media mongrels did so. The Hollywood Reporter came up with some pictures of the mostly from the second tier glamor and glitterati set.

Of all the dog trainers in the world, it was the Wall Street Journal that provided an account of the rest of us missed.

Speakeasy writer Stephen Kurutz, who might have sneaked in saying he was Paul Koretz, described the soiree, saying that "for much of the evening we felt like we were in a scene from "The Player.'"

Noting the mayor being photographed on the red carpet and the city workers seeing red with protest signs out front of Getty House, Kurutz mingled with industry exec types in suits and eavesdropped on two guys he made as agents or managers. You know the type. They were exchanging boasts about who they represent.

Then he heard these snippets from other partygoers:

"Oh, my God. Ben Silverman is here. We truly have arrived."

"Best agent in the business, right here."

"Was Morgan Freeman trying to take your tacos?"

The last comment was his favorite and made his think it was some kind of Hollywood "sexual innuendo," whatever that means.

Freeman only stayed long enough for a cameo and Kathryn Bigelow stood the mayor up so this WSJ guy hung around "The Blind Side" star Quinton Aaro, who is so big even Bruno wouldn't mess with him.

He was about as well known as Bruno until this movie but the ladies seem to be enamored so he was asked what it was like to be fawned over and a big-time celebrity.

"I'm loving it," he said.

The Speakeasy commented "It wasn't exactly Tolstoy but it seemed to sum everything up  quite well."

Bruno feels a whole lot better about the mayor's snub hearing that.

My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail, or the mailman was afraid to get close to the house.  I think it's something about my personality.  The pool guy feels the same way.

I can't imagine Antonio not inviting me.  But then again, maybe it's something about my personality.

Or maybe the guy just can't a joke.

The invitation in question is to Antonio's pre-Oscar party at Getty House this week.  Sounds like a super affair.  And since I own a part of Getty House, along with my dog house, and I've featured the place in several of my posts - the mayor's girlfriend's pooch, Monkey, frolics in the yard for photographers - I should be there, if for no other reason, to cover the canine angle.  I wonder who Monkey will be wearing?

I had to find out about the party from the very snarky Dennis Romero of the LAWeakly:

"Now comes word that Mayor V., ever the man with his priorities straight (witness December's trek to Europe or this month's cameo on All My Children), will be hosting a pre-Oscar party at the city-funded mayor's residence Thursday night. Because, when the city's on its last dime and you can't find a cop when you need one, what it really needs is a red-carpet event celebrating the ultra-rich of Hollywood.

"The event, co-hosted by The Hollywood Reporter, is called Nominees' Night at Getty House and will honor Oscar nominees (it's not clear yet who will show). THR states that Microsoft Bing, L'Oreal Paris and the city of Veracruz (THR has it as "Vera Cruz," but we're assuming it's the Mexican city) are sponsoring the event."

That Romero is a sarcastic son of a gun.  Looks like Bruno has come competition. Bet he wasn't invited either.

But like I said, I've got a four-legged friend of a very special friend of the mayor and I'm making a call this morning.  If those two wackos in Washington can sneak into a state dinner, I can get into this shindig.

And I'll bring Ron Kaye.  He can ask Antonio about the budget, while I beg at the buffet.

Woof!

They're coming after me and my four-legged brethren to help solve the city's financial crisis!

After perusing the Dog Trainer and Green Sheet this morning, I saw an LAWeakly story highlighted on the Westside White Guy's blog that the dog catchers think could fetch an additional $3.6 million for the city by going after unlicensed pooches.

And who would rat them out? DWP meter readers! Apparently these guys have something called a  "doggie database."  Sure, the homeland security folks can't do racial profiling, but when it comes to dogs, the DWP can be Gestapo-like in their record keeping.

I knew there was a reason I didn't like those guys, and the pool guy, and the mailman, and the UPS deliveryman, and the.   Well, I don't really like anyone coming near the house.

I am a watchdog, after all. And a good one! Ask Ron and Saint Deb last time someone burglarized RonKayeLA.com central.

My favorite part of the LAWeakly story was Tom LaBonge, one of the 14 city council members who got us into this financial crisis (Krekorian gets a pass cause he's new), had to get his dog a license. Had it not occurred to him before?  Someone might remind him - ex-motorcycle cop Dennis Zine's the perfect candidate - that he also needs a driver's license.

There is, of course, no mention of cats.  I guess the DWP doggie cops don't notice them.  

Here's a suggestion:  let's license everybody in City Hall and make it contingent upon them doing their jobs.  And if they screw up, put them in one of our overcrowded animal shelters.  I'm sure it will give them a new appreciation of our "no kill" policy.

Woof!!

Editor's Note: Since the Dog Trainer and the Green Sheet don't have enough reporters, Bruno thought he'd help out with a preview of the big story that will break in the next few days.

LA Mayor Eliminates Police and Fire Departments

LOS ANGELES - In his latest cost-cutting move to deal with the city's financial crisis, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has announced he was shuttering both the Los Angeles Police and Fire Departments.

The announcement follows the closure of Los Angeles International Airport and the Port of Los Angeles.

"I have great faith in Angelenos," the mayor said on the lawn of Getty House, which he recently converted into a medicinal marijuana clinic to raise money for the city's general fund..
"I've already eliminated crime in the city and anybody with a garden hose can put out a fire."

The mayor said he wasn't sure how much money would be saved by firing the cops and firefighters/

"I've never been good at math," Villaraigosa said. "But I'm sure it will help."

The majority of police officers, who will be allowed to keep their uniforms, were expected to be hired by movie and television production companies to block traffic on city streets during filming.

"Maybe the firefighters can do dog food commercials," the mayor said somewhat bitterly, referring to the $3 million it cost to settle Firefighter Tennie Pierce's lawsuit.

Community leaders were quick to react.

"It's alright with us as long as he doesn't screw around with Neighborhood Councils," said an anonymous source involved with the councils who feared retaliation if identified.  "He needs to keep his priorities straight."

Analysts said the mayor and the City Council have confused the public by ignoring the growing financial crisis for years, and then taking action some saw as "drastic."

 "I don't remember anything this bad since the Yorty administration," said Sherry Bebich Jeffe, a senior fellow at the School of Policy, Planning, and Development at the University of Southern California and the political analyst for KNBC.

"It makes you wonder what's worse: a goof ball or a sleaze ball?"

One of the great advantages of being a dog columnist is that there are lots of dogs out there willing to help me out.

Many of my four-legged friends are fans - I think frequent commenter G. Shepard has the hots for me - and a few are terrific sources.

Very Important people have dogs, or have ex-beauty queen turned TV news reporter girlfriends with dogs. (I try to get Lu Parker and the adorable Monkey in every post.)

And I'm not saying Monkey's my source, although there is some concern in Getty House about Antonio messing around this week with Susan Lucci in Wednesday's episode of "All My Children," but I have come into possession of a portion of the script that wasn't used.

As everyone knows, Lucci, who's been on the show longer than Antonio's been alive, plays Erika Kane.

Woof!

Antonio and Jay Carson, his chief deputy mayor and former HIllary Clinton presidential campaign spokesman, enter Confusion, a new club in Pine Valley.  Erika Kane, the club's aging, but still beautiful owner, is talking to a group on the other side of the crowded room.

Antonio:  Give me a breath strip.

Carson:   What flavor?

Antonio:  What did Clinton like?

Carson:  He liked red.

Antonio: I'll have red then.

Carson mutters to himself as he rummages through his expensive leather shoulder bag, finds the cinnamon breath strips and hands them to the mayor.

Antonio: (Looking around) Remind me why we're here?

Carson:  We're here because we're stuck in freaking Pine Valley for a National Conference of Mayors meeting and this is the only place in town with decent wine. (Under his breath)  At least Clinton went to decent cities.

Antonio: I heard that! Listen, you don't work for him anymore.  You work for me now.

Carson:  I know. But if Hillary hadn't screwed up Iowa, I'd be in the White House with The Man!
 
Antonio: He wasn't running.

Carson:  That's how much you know, Tony.

Antonio:  I've told you a hundred times ... don't call me Tony!

Erika Kane notices Antonio and Carson, excuses herself from her guests and walks across the room to greet them.  She extends her hand to Carson.

Erika:  (Enthusiastically) Hello, mayor!  I'm Erika Kane.  Welcome to Confusion.

Carson:  Uhh, hello, Miss Kane, but I'm not the mayor. (Looking at Antonio) This is Mayor Villaraigosa.

Erika:  Oh, I'm sorry. (Shaking Antonio's hand) Hello, Mayor Villa-rah-ag-ro-rossa.  Welcome to Confusion!

Antonio:  I'm not confused. Who said I was confused?

Erika:  No, mayor.  The club. It's called Confusion.  I'm so glad you could join us.

Antonio: Can I see a wine list?

Carson: (Again, under his breath) Jesus, what have I done?

I guess Lu Parker's PR firm forgot to send the release to Bruno. I wonder why?

I had to read in the former Green Sheet this morning that It Girl Public Relations - gosh, I hope the "it' part isn't a typo - is out trying to stir up some media interest in our mayor's latest TV newshound girlfriend.

Wait a doggone minute!  Who's covered her and her adorable pup, Monkey, more closely than me?

But noooooo, I have to find out about the PR campaign from City Hall Dean (a nice way of saying  "really old") Rick Orlov:

"In a letter to try to get a feature story on Parker, It Girl talks about her having been a Miss USA, her animal rights activism, her work as a KTLA television reporter, actress and author, and, oh by the way, how she has convinced her boyfriend-mayor to have meatless Mondays.
"Accompanying the pitch were several pictures of Parker, including one with Villaraigosa and her dog"

Meatless Mondays? I've already covered that part of the kennel, and, by the way, how do we know Antonio's even sticking to it?  He has been known to cheat, if you get what I mean.

And by the way, I'm told Lu first suggested "Wineless Wednesdays" to our mayor, but he just laughed at that idea.

Not eating dead animals is one thing - it prevents him from becoming Mayor Pudgaraigosa -- but vintage dead grapes, especially in incredibly expensive bottles bought by billionaire pals, are another thing entirely.

If the folks at It Girl PR still want to pitch me, I'm available.

I suggest they play up the Monkey angle for obvious reasons, invite me to lunch, promise to bring along Lu, Monkey and Antonio, schedule it for a Monday at a great steakhouse like the The Palm and make the mayor eat just broccoli.

I'll bring a photographer.

Woof!

This dog once had what you people call "puppy love" for Janice Hahn.

When I was, indeed, just a pup, I'd hang out at the port with those tough longshoremen, who didn't care that I wasn't all that cute. They were pretty ugly, too.

Janice lives in San Pedro and represents it on the City Council. I'd see her around town.  She was always just soooo nice - very perky! -- and so well groomed, something I couldn't say for all the women down there.  Tattoos on women have been stylish in San Pedro since WWII.

Now, I'm heartbroken.  But because I'm not really housebroken, I'm going to come out and say it:  Janice Hahn may be the dumbest person to ever hold office in Los Angeles - and if you know your LA history, that's pretty freaking scary.

Earlier this week, I got on her for trying to pull a fast one with her City Council/Lieutenant Governor's campaign web sites.  Then I teased her for posing in a newspaper photo with former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who isn't exactly the kind of guy you want endorsing you in a Democratic primary for statewide office.

But both of those are small kibble compared to the dumb-ass doozy detailed today in the Daily Breeze. Get a load of the first three paragraphs of Art Marroquin's story:

"The president of a ship-building business donated at least $7,000 to Los Angeles City Councilwoman Janice Hahn, who was expected this month to mediate a dispute between the company and the Port of Los Angeles.

"Hahn was set to step in as an impartial arbitrator amid the ongoing debate between port officials and Long Beach-based Gambol Industries, which has tried since last spring to open a $50 million shipyard on Terminal Island.

"Gambol's president, Robert Stein, contributed $6,500 to Hahn's lieutenant governor campaign account last October and another $500 to her City Council officeholder's account last August, according to online state and city filing records."

Yes, you read it right!  Janice took all this dough - and then figured nobody would blink if she decided the fate of this guy's $50 million (!!!) project.  A call from a reporter inspired her to change her mind.

When this dog called her out publicly on the web site screw up, her staff politely explained it was just an innocent mistake: all this Internet stuff is just sooooo confusing.

I suppose ethics is way too confusing, too.  Gosh, there are just soooooo many rules. And the appearance of a conflict being as bad as conflict, well, forget it.  There are just soooooo many confusing words.

Woof!

Bruno's father, Brutus, was an old-fashioned news dog in the "Front Page" tradition. He drank a lot and caroused a lot.

For a while he hung around the LA Board of Supervisors, where there was always a lot garbage lying around. They were a really comical bunch in those days thanks in no small part to the legendary news hog Supervisor Kenneth Hahn.

It was said that Kenny Hahn would attend the opening of a stop sign - then hold a news conference.  For a while, dad's editor, fed up with Kenny's attempts to get coverage, forbid his name to be mentioned in a story without his approval.

Kenny's son, San Pedro Jim, our former mayor, didn't get the news gene. In fact, he hated reporters, especially those from the Dog Trainer who once staked out his house to see if he was still living with his wife.

During his entire term as mayor, he never once dropped into the Daily News to boost himself.  I think my master Ron, the editor of the secessionist propaganda organ, annoyed him.

Kenny's daughter, Janice, on the other hand is a chip of the old block -- some say the blockhead part but there's no doubt others love her like they did her dad.

Ron reported yesterday she tried to pull a fast one by rigging her City Council web site to jump to her lieutenant governor's campaign page if you asked for information on, say, anything.

As Ron said, if that's not illegal, it should be. Janice has now explained she has a bit of problem with all these newfangled computers and it was a big mistake.

Do not get behind this woman in line at an ATM!

And today, a reader provides the photo of the day. There she is, the good Democratic daughter of a renowned, if wacky, Democratic father and sister of our former Democratic mayor, posing with former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld - despised by the left for his leading us in the Iraq War.

I guess she didn't see it coming five years ago when Rummy's War was already getting old, didn't see it coming that she would be running for statewide office (who did?).. All she saw was the camera.

Kenny, who would have posed with the Unabomber if it had gotten him on the front page, must be smiling in heaven.

The other two guys in the picture are former LAPD Chief Bill Bratton, who is a little to the right of Rumsfield, and legendary political consultant Joe Cerrell, who's there because Janice is there, of course.  Joe would have represented the Unabomber if he ran for office.

Janice's opponent in the Democratic primary for lieutenant governor is State Sen. Dean Florez  from the Central Valley town of Shafter.  (Rhythms with shaft her.) You really can't make this stuff up!.

About 10 minutes after this is posted, I expect a conga line of smiling consultants to be snaking their way around Florez' campaign office.

They can send the steak bones to me in care of Ron.

Woof!